Obsessed? Me?

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 22:53:19 GMT

To any that are still on this journal and may not have realized it... I moved about two years ago. Er... three? Yeah, might want to update that! XD Much love.

>.>

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 21:10:48 GMT

I'm looking at the people that have added me again, and there are about... eh... 4 people, that haven't, that sadden me. ;__;

I hope it isn't because you no longer love me. >.> But I wondered if maybe you didn't see it, because we're friends, so....

Anyway- if you still have me as Criscocat, on your friend list, change it!!! See my post before this one for more details.

And in the meantime, I'll soon be taking some people off of this friends list, just so they can avoid having access people on their "Friends of" list.

Ok... well... much love!!!!!!!!!!!

........

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 21:26:39 GMT

I wonder how high the suicide rate is today.

The magical dancing and twirling pickle girl

Thu, 22 Jul 2004 02:34:57 GMT

That's right. From now on this journal is mostly friends only.

If I unfriended you suddenly, it is either because:

A: I feel you didn't really want me on your list.
B: Your journal depresses me because of the way you regard me, etc...
C: You're never on and I wasn't sure if you'd just quit, or what.
D: A combination of any of the above.

If this is a mistake and I made an incorrect assumption, just go ahead and leave me a comment and I shall add you again.

If you were never a friend in the first place and want to be- same thing- just leave a comment. ^____^

Woohoo! Shotgun wedding!

Tue, 20 Jul 2004 03:07:07 GMT

...... :|

.....Uh... We only have 37 years to have 49 kids?

...Well, Va-chan. We'd best be getting on that, right now.

dances

Thu, 15 Jul 2004 23:26:10 GMT

Wahahahaha....

And check this dirty mofo out. Look at me. I'm all about the gay men....

……… K Well…. When you marry a gay man, chances are, he’s gonna cheat on you. What can I expect?

Though I can’t help but find it odd that my biggest rival… is my made up RP character.

…That’s just a little sad.

But hey… If that’s who I have an affair with, I think that says something right there. I marry a guy- then he cheats on my with a man and I cheat on him with a woman.

Wee- I can celebrate my birthday at the same time with her too!!! Wooo!!

Hahaha… and I knew I probably wouldn’t live to the end. This soap is so predictable. XD

Oh.... and.... read this!!! Please! I wrote it, and it has yummy sex, and for some reason no one read it on the yaoi comm... >.> (except shiva *huggles*)

Give it a chance? Maybe???

Title: Focus
Author: Criscocat
Chapter: One shot
Genre: Eh… PWP I guess. Again. >.>
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Sex. Just… lots of sex. Of the somewhat kinky nature, that is… Nothing violent or bloody. Just… not your grandma’s idea of what should happen beneath the sheets. Or… on other various surfaces… (PS- some language too >.>)

Summary: Resisting temptation is easy enough… Just gotta keep your eyes forward… Mind clear…

He leaned back, watching, casually- eyes scanning the women on the corner, dressed in their short skirts and heavy make up, most likely armed with enough perfume to kill a small mammal.

The man laughed a little to himself, sighing as he observed. So far, none of them were doing anything that was proof of their nightly plans… But he stayed and watched anyway… It was almost amusing…

Richard Daniels, 24- dark brown hair, light green eyes. An average type. Not one to stand out in a crowd. Thus, he remained unnoticed in the area it seemed.

That is, until he pulled out from the shadows where he’d been parked. As soon as he did so, the women on the corner scattered, bringing a light laugh to the man’s lips. He sighed and shook his head, continuing down the dark streets, nearly empty- especially with his presence now…

Except for one young lady… A pretty blond…

Her hair was short, coming down to about her ears, rustling a little in the light breeze. She stood near an alley way, leaning back against the brick…

Fishnet stockings climbed up to about mid thigh of her delicate legs… a few inches below her amazingly short skirt- tight and black… and leather…

Her shirt was sheer and loose, over a lacy black bustier, supporting little in the means of breasts. But that hardly mattered… The woman screamed “fuck me” from the toe of her high heeled black boots, to the top of her blond head.

Richard stopped as he pulled up, nearer to her, and rolled down the window.

Smiling the woman came over, leaning into the car from the passengers side…

No… he realized then. Not a woman… A man… Young… pretty enough to be female…

And though the discovery was somewhat of a shock, it only seemed to make the man more interested… Wanting to see what lay between those fish netted legs…

Of course, he should have been pushing those thoughts away… But that turned out to be a difficult task indeed… His eyes remained locked on the beautiful form, smiling at him…

Focus… he told himself, ashamed of the thoughts he was having… but not enough to completely shut them out…

“Evening, Officer…” the blond purred, smiling seductively, red lips curling up. At this distance, the police officer could make out his startling blue eyes, filled with equal lust and amusement. “You looking for a good time?”

The brunette man smirked. “Not from the likes of you,” he replied, though his eyes didn’t leave the thin body. “And what might you be doing out here, may I ask?”

The young man shrugged. “Getting some fresh air,” he said with a grin.

“In a skirt and what looks like your sister’s lingerie?”

Another shrug. “I need to do my laundry.”

The officer laughed a little. “Well, if fresh air is what you need- maybe we should take a little ride?”

“Ooh- officer, are you picking me up?”

“Yes I am, my boy,” the officer said with a wink. “I think you and I need to have a little date downtown.”

The boy laughed. “Mm… figured…”

The officer nodded with another soft chuckle. “Wanna get in the back there, or do you need my assistance?”

“But… officer… Aren’t you gonna cuff me…” the young man asked, licking his lips sensually, leaning in a bit more. The way he spoke those words sent shockwaves that went straight to Officer Daniels’ groin.

He cleared his throat.

“You know the routine. Get in the back.”

The prostitute shrugged and laughed, hopping in cooperatively. Most were nowadays. The less the fight, the sooner they’d just be out again… They all knew it. It almost made it pointless to arrest them anymore.....

Officer Daniels’ thoughts were interrupted as the blond slammed the door, arms folded across his chest, legs crossed in such a way that Richard could see straight up the short skirt- eyes lingering on the lacy black panties for a moment.

He swallowed, feeling a stir between his legs, as he faced forward.

“Name?” he said, eyes cast on the road. “For the records?”

“Xstasy….” the blond answered, with a teasing chuckle.

“Legal name,” the officer said, voice exasperated- though some of it was forced.

“Michael Greenshaw,” the young man answered, giving in easily.

“Age?”

“22.”

“Birthdate.”

“July 15, 1982,” the man answered without pause.

The policeman smiled and nodded, accepting that.

He went back to focusing on driving, briefly wondering what had driven the kid to prostitution, but not asking. It didn’t really matter. His job was to bring them in, and that was what he did.

In the back seat, Michael watched the man through the rear view mirror, sitting prettily, and smiling with lust at Richard when the brunette looked back. At first it didn’t bother him too much, but after a while, the officer began to feel his heart race each time their eyes met- and soon avoided glancing up.

This, of course, only inspired laughter from the prostitute, shifting and spreading his legs, so that the view was.... a bit more clear.....

Richard cleared his throat again, louder than before, trying not to notice thin fingers running over a slender torso, trailing down the thin material over the blond’s chest.... Down.... over the skirt...

“Knock that off back there,” the officer said after a moment.

A smirk, then a shift in positions- legs crossed once more.

Richard sighed, softly, in relief. It was getting harder to deny how badly he wanted to follow those fingers with his own… Touch and caress......

They were only a few miles from the station now... He could control himself... Just had to.... Focus....

“....Mmm.... Officer.... How can you stand the heat of this thing.... I can barely breathe... Don’t you have an air conditioner?”

Richard smirked. “Just quiet down back there…”

The blond shrugged. “Fine…. But I’m not gonna sit in this heat....”

For a moment, Richard thought he saw an evil grin flicker across the pretty face, but he couldn’t be sure...

Until......

Suddenly, that beautiful body was arching and arms were coming up as the shirt came off- pulled over a blond head. With a sigh, it was dropped to the boy’s left, and he smiled, satisfied with the temperature change.

Richard swallowed.

“Ah.... much, much...... better....” Delicate fingers ran over creamy white skin, trailing over the now revealed collar bone- that was looking suddenly.... very enticing....

A pink tongue ran over dry lips as Richard stared straight ahead. He wouldn’t look back. Not again. They were almost there. Just a little ways away.

So..... close.........

“Mm..... No..... still just a little..... too..... hot......” There was a strange rustling sound, and the officer looked back to see the boy lying in the most suggestive position he’d seen in a long while, legs spread, fingers of one hand between them, resting there, the other hand sliding over his right thigh to the fishnet stocking, fingers slipping under it, slowly, tugging at it....

The officer froze for a moment, no longer watching the road…

Then with a growl, he looked ahead and took a sharp turn out of nowhere, heading down a dark street, taking the prostitute by surprise.

Michael sat up, a bit confused. The wicked smile was gone.

They drove for a brief moment, then suddenly the officer stopped the police car, slipping out into the night and shutting his door behind him.

The prostitute wrinkled his brow, looking around at where they’d stopped......

A dark parking lot of an abandoned warehouse.

In the middle of nowhere.

Where no one could see them.....

Blue eyes turned to the door on the right as Richard opened it, looking in.

“Get out of the car,” Richard said, simply.

The prostitute looked at the man, blinking a few times.

“Get out!” he repeated, more rough this time.

“What the hell did I do!” the blond asked, beginning to get nervous. “Why are we stopping? I didn’t do anything wrong. I’ve been following your orders!”

“Get out of the goddamn car or I’m going to drag you out.”

Blue eyes stared for a long moment in silence. Then, with the same, somewhat fearful, expression on his face, he slid out of the car, standing in front of the officer, tugging his skirt down a little.

“You seem to enjoy your work a lot…” the man said, eyeing the prostitute.

Of course, the blond did not like this. It seemed the tables had turned, and he could no longer tease the policeman. A reminder that the officer had the upper hand…

He couldn’t help but feel a little unsettled….

“So… think you can just come out here and break the law- then laugh your ass out of the jail cell the next morning, eh?”

The young man didn’t answer, eyes on the officer.

Suddenly, he was being pushed back against the police car, the cool metal making him jump a little. Blue eyes shot back and met green- his expression questioning- trying to hide the nervousness.

Then Richard’s body was pressed against his own. “Not always gonna be that simple…” the man smirked.

And their mouths were together- kissing deeply, tongues caressing one another.

Needless to say, the prostitute was a little surprised. He’d teased tons of officers before, but none of them had ever actually fucked him…

Though… it was starting to look like that was about to change.

Richard ground his crotch against Michael’s, his arousal very… very apparent.

The blond gasped, pressing back as he felt pleasure shoot through his body in a small burst. “Officer…” he said in surprise, moaning a bit into the man’s mouth as he was kissed again, deeper- more aggressively… There was a definite hunger behind the gesture…

Suddenly hands were sliding over the bare skin of the prostitute’s back, caressing him where the strings didn’t cover… And slowly, those began to come undone….

Michael’s heart was racing, as was Richard’s, and the officer pressed the other against the back of the police car until he was sitting on the trunk, legs spread- Richard between them.

Fingers came up to tangle in blond hair as the kiss continued and the garment covering the prostitute’s chest fell away. Moaning, Michael reached up to touch back, hands running up the policeman’s arms.

“Ah ah ah,” Richard said in a scolding voice, pulling away.

Panting, lips wet and swollen, the blond looked at Officer Daniels, confused.

“You don’t get to touch…” the man whispered with a grin. “You can’t play too…”

The prostitute frowned.

“Naughty boys don’t get to have fun… They have to be taught a lesson…” Richard laughed a little, eyes boring into the blue orbs.

Then they were back to kissing, the policeman’s hands running over hot flesh, caressing. He moved his crotch against Michael’s again, shuddering and growling a bit, as hungry lips traveled down to a delicate throat.

The blond moaned as Richard nibbled and sucked at his flesh, fingers drifting up to already erect nipples, due to the night chill, teasing them a little as he attacked the young man’s neck.

His fervor only growing stronger, the officer pressed Michael back against the cool metal so that his flesh was fully pressed against the trunk, legs spreading a bit wider as the officer lay on top of him, both of their lower halves still off the side, the prostitute’s legs dangling.

The young man hissed at the coldness against hot skin, but it soon faded and he was focusing on the man on top of him again…

Hands traced down further then, running over fishnet covered legs- stroking… making the blond moan…. The fingers danced higher and higher up the thighs, until they were beneath the skirt, making their way towards the heat that lay in the center…

But much to the young man’s dismay, they avoided that area, and instead went for the lace panties, pulling them down. Richard stepped back long enough to get the garment off, holding it up and grinning, before letting it fall to the ground with the bustier.

Then he was on the prostitute once more, moaning as he assaulted pale flesh, hands and lips and tongue and teeth- all over the blond beneath him.

Their crotches brushed again, but without the fabric that had once been there, the feeling was much more concentrated.

Michael practically screamed.

His hips arched off of the trunk, as his hands instinctually shot out to grab the man on top of him, running his fingers up the officer’s shirt to feel his warm skin…

“…No, no, Michael…” the man’s voice called out a moment later. “What did I tell you about touching….”

The prostitute froze.

“I guess now you’ll have to be punished…”

Blue eyes stared nervously, watching the policeman.

Richard grinned and stepped back. His hand fell down, then came back up with something metal, gleaming in the moonlight…

A moment later, the prostitute was securely hand cuffed, arms behind his back. He could barely move them, and whimpered in response.

“There, now you’ll keep your hands to yourself- won’t you?” the man asked, laughing a little as he watched the blond.

But he didn’t watch long before he was once again kissing and caressing, pressing his erection against the younger man’s thigh.

“Now I think it’s time… to put what you’re barely hiding under that little skirt… to good use…” He whispered the words into the blond’s ear, voice quiet and full of lust.

Suddenly, the prostitute was turned around, so that his back was to the officer.

“Now spread your legs…” the man said. “I’ll need to search you before we follow through…”

The blond hesitated, then did so, spreading his legs about shoulder width apart- until the man kicked at his feet and he spread them further.

“Mmm… There… That’s better…” the officer said with a soft laugh.

Hands followed the words, all over Michael’s body… touching every inch of him… Sliding down his back, up his legs… under his skirt…. Fingers caressing… teasing soft flesh…

The blond shivered.

Then suddenly, he was pressed down, face first, against the police car- legs still spread wide.

There was the distinct sound of a zipper, and suddenly his skirt was being pressed up a little…

Richard smiled at the view- the prostitute lying with his cheek against the cold metal- arms secured behind his back, legs spread… And that irresistible skirt, still clinging to his beautiful ass…

Fingers pressed into the tight opening, lubricated with the officer’s saliva, sliding in and out, going in a bit more easily, the more he stretched the other.

Michael moaned at the sensations, pressing his bottom up to the fingers, wanting them to go deeper, and whining when he was not granted this.

Instead, they stayed only a few inches in, scissoring and loosening up the tight hole…

A moment later, the fingers pulled away, to be replaced with something bigger… firm… already slick with precum…

“God…” the blond moaned softly.

With that, Richard thrust inside of him- causing the boy to cry out. Not waiting for the other to adjust, the policeman quickly began to pound into the thin body. He held onto slender hips, thoroughly enjoying the image of fucking the blond with his skirt still on, running fingers over the leather as his cock slid deep inside the other’s opening.

Michael cried out loudly as Richard kept a quick pace, rocking into his body. The car rocked as well with their movements, creaking a little with every thrust. The young man’s lips pressed against the metal as he moaned, wanting to move more and help with the other’s rhythm, but unable to- his arms still securely fastened behind his back.

Richard growled with lust as he leaned over the prostitute’s back to bite his ear, pumping quickly, pleasure rushing through him- feeding his aching desire.

A hand came around and grabbed the blond’s equally painful erection and began to caress- his fingers running up and down in time with the thrust of the officer’s hips. The blond only groaned more, exclamations of pleasure filling the air.

Richard watched himself disappearing under the skirt, inside of the boy, fingers of one hand still caressing fish net covered skin. He moved more quickly, knowing the sight alone guaranteed a quick end.

And within a matter of minutes, they were both rocking and groaning, Michael shaking and tensing, as Richard continued to fondle him. Their cries echoed through the still night, disappearing in the distance.

Legs moving up off of the ground in desperate thrusting with the police officer- Michael nearly screamed, as he came, hard- body clenching, then releasing- but not stopping its motions, helping Richard along.

Seconds later, the officer followed, tumbling over the edge- releasing his seed inside Michael’s thin body, pumping a few last times as he panted, lying over the other’s back.

They lay there like that for a moment, neither moving or speaking. Just catching their breath in the silence.

Several minutes passed.

Then silently, Richard undid the handcuffs and gently helped Michael off of the trunk. He pulled the blond into his arms, then maneuvered them both into the back seat, snuggling against the other.

The two of them lay tangled, quiet but for a few satisfied sighs, as they basked in the afterglow....

“....Rich, honey?” Michael said after a moment.

“...Yeah, Sweetie?” the officer replied.

“...It’s almost 8:00.”

At this proclamation, the brunette groaned a little. “Yeah.... We’d better get going. I’m on duty in an hour or so....”

The blond nodded, smiling and kissing the other softly.

“Home at 11?”

“Like usual.”

“I’ll have dinner waiting.”

“Thank you, sweetie.”

The blond climbed out of the back seat, gathering his clothing. He looked at the brunette and their eyes met. There was a pause, then they both laughed a little, Richard shaking his head a bit.

He crawled out and shut the door, moving back to the driver’s side.

“So, call if you’ll be home late,” Michael said over his shoulder, heading to the car he’d parked in the shadows, near the warehouse.

“I always do,” Officer Daniels said, smiling.

“Oh, and don’t let me forget to have this skirt dry cleaned and back to your sister by Thursday.”

“Write a note and put it on the fridge.”

“Good idea, Sweetie. See you at 11.”

“Right. See you then. I love you…”

“Love you too, honey.”

“Bye.....”

**************

I miss you and you must return soon!!!!!!!

Wed, 14 Jul 2004 18:35:03 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, capturedribbons!!!!!!!!

WE LOVE YOU SARAH!!!!! *waves flag*

Look! You're a big girl now! XDD

Quick Announcement

Thu, 08 Jul 2004 18:29:16 GMT
Murrr.....

This is a quick note of my upcoming absence.

If you talk to me on LJ or online- I am very, very sad to say, that I shan't be around for a while. Now this could be anything from 2 days to 2 weeks... I have no idea....

*stomps up and down in tempur tantrum*

G-Damn.... all I can say is things just keep going from bad to worse- and everything that could possibly go wrong does.

What is this saying....

Dancing queen- feel the beat of the tamborine.... (is that how you spell it?? >.>)

Sun, 04 Jul 2004 22:48:51 GMT
Hey. I'm late on this by two days, but guess what???

July 2nd was my one year anniversary for being into yaoi. That marked the day I was converted. XD The moment I walked up to the Borders counter- Fake V1 in hand.

And that day marked the beginning of a beautiful conversion to freakdom. Ah yes.

And in truth it's what made me an otaku too. So yay for that. XDDD

Just thought I'd tell you. Wanted to celebrate it somehow, but that'll have to be later. Especially since the one I share this anniversary with is in California. >.>

But yay for a year of yaoi!!! *celebrates*

Mon, 21 Jun 2004 04:40:41 GMT
Then she turned out the light,
and closed the door,
And that's all there is,
There isn't anymore...

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 06:45:55 GMT
I graduated a few ours ago....

>.>

..... Means I have to like... get a life and stuff now.....

So in other words..... I'm screwed.

Oh- and BTW- gone to Seattle for a while.... Here- have a biscuit while I'm gone. I shall miss you all!!!

Sun, 23 May 2004 07:45:49 GMT

"ACHTUNG!
criscocat may actually be a spider-human hybrid

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

.......

O.O

.......

So that's why I have so many new friends.... Perhaps this is why I scare myself so much....

I'm a comm creating fool

Fri, 09 Apr 2004 19:21:33 GMT
*bounce*

Hiiiiii!!!!!!

Ok- if you answered my last post- worry not! I’m in the process of responding. And thank you for taking the time to comment. ^_____^

In the meantime I have two new things I made… You know what I’m talking about… *wink wink*

Actually- it’s a comm and a fic journal. Huzzah. First I’ll give you the fic journal because I’m self absorbed! Yay!

It’s esotericfallacy, and it’s sort of a mix of a fic journal and a brainstorming journal… I haven’t started updating yet- but I will. I’ll begin with old works I’ve done, then start on the new stuff. ^^ So if you care to check it out, or want to read it occasionally- that’s where it is. *does a dance*

Next, I have an RP community… which most of my LJ friends have probably seen on communities, but what the heck.

It’s a place to request RPs, of any sort. I thought it might be a good way to meet new partners and such. If you’re interested in joining it or just want to look, it’s here:

fictionoverlife

And it just started so there are like, no members… But once people start to join it’ll be good. IF people start to join. The more the merrier- lol. So join!!! And if you join- make your friends join!!! That way it’ll actually be able to serve its purpose…

Well- that’s all for now!!! *runs in circle and passes out*

Spend all your time waitng for that second chance....

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 06:00:38 GMT

Which deadly sin do you represent? (Angel Sanctuary Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

Heh... I honestly don't know how I got that one... I puposely avoided the obvious answers.

Gah- love Angel Sanctuary... This whole time I didn't know who those two boys were in my old icon- you know? Turns out Kira is THE hottest boy ever and I love him- and didn't realize this whole time I had an icon of him. *le sigh* I'm such a dork.

In other news- I left my room TWICE this weekend! Woohoo!!! But I was punished for doing so. The gods don't want me to leave. They need me to sita round all day and write! In the end I had to fish broken porcelain out of the dish drainer with my bare hands and have an adventure with Mr. Yellow Jacket. Huzzah!

Then today I went for a walk, and my foot started to hurt- but after a moment it stopped, so I forgot about it. A bit later I looked down and noitced the back of my shoe was soaked in blood. The heal had gouged a chunk out of my flesh. Nice. And it ruined the shoes....

See- I was punished for leaving!!! Noooo!!!!!

Heh- I need to write... I have all the ideas in my head but can't seem to get them out... Meh... Oh well... Spring Break- or something resembling it- is coming up, so I'll have more time to sit around and do that... So yeah... heh... well.... bye... ^^;;;

Hmmmm.... let me check.... Yep- still a loser. XD

Sat, 03 Apr 2004 08:23:50 GMT
All right… so technically it’s Saturday since it is nearly one in the morning… but no one said anything and I’m assuming that, unlike me, you all do have lives beyond your computers- so I think this will probably be hidden further down by the time you all find it. But still. ^^;;; Ok- this chapter is a bit longer than they have been recently. And no cliffhanger this time! Yay! ^__^ But also… no smut. Not really. Sorry if you were hoping for it in this chapter… This chapter is… something else… I hope I get the affect I was going for. ^_^

Anyway- here it is- Chapter 6 of a fic I am amazed I am so near to completing!

Title: Fervent Amity and Ardor
Author: Criscocat…. Aka- me ^^;;;
Chapter: Chapter Six
Genre: Drama- as I’ve said….
Rating: PG13 was suggested due to themes
Warnings: Language, implied bad stuff ^_^;;.... A little violence? XDDD
Archive: If you need the first five chapters, click on one of the links: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four or Chapter Five

Summary: Ryan has lost something of value to him. Jay wants to help him gain the strength to get it back. As they work together, other feelings and secrets begin to come up…

Fervent Amity and Ardor
********

Chapter 6

It was loud. Almost deafening. The music pounded in his head and he felt himself becoming dizzy. He briefly questioned if this was on purpose, the lights and sound working as one to disorient those that dare enter.

The smell of sweat and alcohol was strong, and it flooded the young man’s nostrils. He fought back the urge to vomit.

He had to think.. Keep his mind clear… Ryan was somewhere in here… He just knew it. And he had no idea what was happening to the boy… Who he was with… And that made it all the more crucial that he find the teen soon….

The room was dim, smoky. The lights flashed and danced over the many dripping bodies, pressing against each other in the rhythm of the music, as if they were all in some sort of strange sexual trance. If Ryan was amidst the bodies, it would take an eternity to find him.

The club was packed, making the normally large room look rather small. The strange black and white striped walls made Jay feel as if he was leaning into the crowd, no longer able to stand on his own. He plugged his ears and closed his eyes but the over stimulation of his senses followed him.

Ears still plugged, barely lowering the volume of the music, he began to search, amongst the crowds, near the bar. He doubted he’d find the boy like this… and it was no use to call out his name… but he had to start somewhere…

It was crazy, like a jumble of confusing images being thrown at him. He couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t think…

“Ryan!” he screamed, his voice drowned out. “Ryan!!!”

With a deep breath, he reluctantly began to push through the bodies. He looked back and forth, but all he could see were shadows of the forms all around him. There was no clear distinction in any of their features. How the hell was he gonna find him.

“Ryan!” he cried, again, swimming through the sea of bodies, fighting to avoid being pulled under. He pushed through, determined, and looking around frantically. He couldn’t see anything, and now, he could barely move, but he kept going.

The music changed to an even more upbeat tone and Jay was pulled along in the mindless dancing. He looked back to the doors of the club and realized suddenly, with dismay, that he was trapped- surrounded on all sides by young men and women, buzzing on drugs, or sex, or whatever they had that caused them to lose their consciousness to the outside world.

Jay’s heart raced. He was beginning to panic. Ryan…. Ryan had left with older men… What did that mean… He hoped to god it wasn’t what he had automatically assumed. But chances were….

Jay began to cry the other’s name, once more, in vain. He pressed his way through sweat slick flesh, gritting his teeth as he headed further in.

He began to grow more and more hysterical- in his worry, in the overwhelming atmosphere. He was never going to find Ryan. For all he knew, right now the boy could be lying on his back with some middle aged guy between his…

Jay shook his head to clear the vile image and took up his searching and calling once more. How the hell was he gonna find the kid here. He was gonna suffocate, and die amongst these bodies, and drop down and be trampled under crushing feet. And he’d never find Ryan. Never see him again. Never get to tell him how he felt, or apologize, or hold the boy, ever again. He’d just disappear, his body turning to nothing on the dance floor, the roaring music- his ending song. And the dancers, so caught up in their movements, would not notice….

His inner soliloquy and overdramatic despair were just grabbing the boy’s attention- when suddenly- it stopped.

The music.

For just one second.

But in that one second, he looked up…. And he saw him…. He saw Ryan… All the way on the other end of the room….

“Ryan!” Jay called out, leaping forward with more fervor than before. He pushed, no longer caring about anything else. He just had to reach the boy.

But he was so far away….

“Ryan! Ryan it’s Jay! Ryan!!!” The boy didn’t turn to look. He was over, near a table where some shady looking individuals sat. There were several other teen boys, and a few men in business suits, along with a few more in casual attire. Jay assumed he knew what was going on, but couldn’t be entirely sure. All he knew is, he would kill them. If they’d laid a single hand on his brother, he would fucking kill them.

And it seemed as he grew more and more near, it was anger now that fueled him. Protecting what was his. And the blood thirsty rage at the thought that anyone would try to hurt the younger boy.

And within a moment, he was there. Just yards away.

Ryan was dancing with an older man. The man made it quite clear, considering where his hands were, that his intentions with the boy had little to do with simple dancing. The fingers, running over cloth, up, under his shirt… Over delicate skin… Down… further…. To the hem of his pants.

Jay grabbed the guy and flung him back. “Don’t you fucking touch him, you pervert!” he shrieked. The guy didn’t react at first, caught off guard. Ryan looked dazed… A little too dazed… But after a moment, recognition and understanding hit.

“Jay! What are-”

“What the hell is going on?” one of the men said, speaking loudly, over the music.

“This asshole is trying to start shit with me,” the guy Jay had pushed said, stepping closer to Jay, as if ready to fight.

“What the hell is wrong with you? You gotta death wish kid?” the first speaker asked.

“Just stay the fuck away from my brother!” Jay shouted over the music. “You better not have fucking touched him! Come on Ryan, let’s get out of here!”

Ryan looked furious.

“No! Stay the fuck away from me, Jay!”

The older boy didn’t listen, reaching out to grab the teen’s arm, but Ryan pushed him and jerked his arm away.

“I said stay the fuck away from me! Don’t fucking touch me! I don’t want you to ever touch me again!”

“Ryan! I’m sorry!” Jay shouted, pleadingly.

Then he was shoved from the side. He stumbled, running into a few people, before whipping around.

“Look- I dunno what the fuck is going on with you two- but the kid wants to stay here, so scram. This ain’t your business.”

“I thought you said your family wasn’t gonna interfere,” another said.

“They won’t…” Ryan shot Jay a look of death and turned back to the group. “Go home, Jay…”

The men looked at him for a moment, a few snickering, then turned away from him.

Jay stood there, looking confused. He was panting, breathing heavily- his heart racing. What the fuck did he do now….

“Ryan,” he tried again. “Ryan- we have to get out of here! These guys aren’t helping you! They’re just gonna hurt you-”

“Shut up!” Ryan shrieked, spinning around to face the older boy. “Just shut up! You don’t know anything! Now leave! Leave right now!”

“I won’t!” Jay screamed back, grabbing Ryan’s arm. “I’m leaving with you, or I’m not leaving!”

Ryan pushed the older boy’s chest, trying to pull away and failing. “Stop it! Jay let go of me! Let go!!!” His voice and face were angry- furious. He didn’t look like himself… Looked insane…

Jay kept his hold as the other men began to snap out of it- having been watching the two fight in confused interest. Now they were taking action, and Jay realized his rash mistake.

“Jay! Stop it! Get off of me! Please! Let go! Please….let go…” His pleas changed, growing more desperate. More hurt. Tears formed in his eyes as he tugged at his arm, making no move to wipe them away as they trailed down his flushed cheeks.

Jay looked into the other’s eyes, opening his mouth to speak. He hesitated, then after a moment, his grip slipped away.

Ryan looked up at him, then shoved him, hard, in the chest, turning and running away from the table, to the front doors of the club.

Jay turned to follow and was grabbed from behind, a heavy hand squeezing his shoulder.

“Where do you think you’re going…”

Jay didn’t think. Just swung. He spun around and hit the guy in the jaw, knocking him back.

“Ok then, we’ll make this more difficult,” the first man to speak said, swinging at Jay. He moved out of the way and kicked the man, using that leverage to swing at a person coming up behind him.

Another man socked him in the stomach, and Jay gritted his teeth to keep from doubling over. He was running on adrenaline now- feeling little pain, as he swung and kicked, and fought to get out of the other’s hold. He didn’t know what they wanted with him, or what they’d do to Ryan. But his common sense told him it wouldn’t be a good thing- and he had to go with that. Don’t ask questions. Just get the fuck out of there.

The combination of emotions he was feeling and the disorienting environment threw the boy off, but he was still able to move quickly, and protect himself rather well. And soon it seemed the men were fighting just for the hell of it. Angry, that someone had come and interrupted their “business”.

But in cases such as those, full of ego and the need to make anyone who my interfere “pay”, there initial aggression died down and they backed off as they actually started to get hurt. They stepped away, and Jay turned without a second thought, following Ryan’s trail. It struck him as odd that no one had noticed the fight, as he reached the doors, but then again, the people inside were drones- hypnotized by that screechingly loud music…

The boy finally reached the cool street outside the club, with much relief at getting out of such a horrid environment. He stopped and caught his breath, before realizing he was being faced with yet another dilemma….

Where had Ryan gone? Not home… And what was wrong with him… Sure he was mad… But… Those men… they’d given him something… a drug perhaps… Jay had the feeling it wasn’t the first time, and that in it’s own made the older boy more eager to find the teen.

He went to a few of the bouncers, asking if they’d seen him. One pointed Jay back down the way he’d come, and the boy hesitated. But after a moment, he took the direction- realizing it was better than just standing there. He had to keep moving… Had to keep looking… And hope that luck was on his side…

But as he reached the graveyard, he began to realize luck had nothing to do with it….

He saw Ryan, further back, under some old willow trees. The boy was collapsed on the cool grass, lying on his knees, his face forward, forehead against the ground. And as Jay neared the other, he could hear Ryan’s uncontrolled sobs, could see his thin form rock and shake as he wailed, fingers locked in the blades of grass.

The dark sky up ahead was cast with clouds, blocking the stars. But the moon still managed to slip through, silhouetting the child at the graves of his mother and father. Jay stood there for a moment, not approaching the other… Just watching…

After a while, Ryan acknowledged the other boy, voice choked with tears. He didn’t look up though, keeping his broken position atop his mother’s grave.

“I… I’m such a fuck up….” he said, sobbing lightly, fingers tearing at the grass.

“No….” Jay said, taking a few steps closer. “No… you aren’t a fuck up, Rye… You… You’re a great kid… don’t you see that?”

The boy continued to shake, a loud sob escaping his lips now and then. “I failed them… I failed everyone…. I…. I just wanna die…. I hate it… So much… it feels so empty…”

Jay paused, then moved forward, so that he was standing right behind the boy. He looked down at him, watching him convulsing, softly, in his tears.

“Ryan… you didn’t fail them… You’re an amazing person… Don’t lose hope, ok?” He spoke softly, encouragingly- trying his best to change something… anything…

The boy dug his fingers into the dirt, sobbing louder now.

“Why does it always happen like this?” he cried, voice choked. “I… I don’t get what I did… to deserve it….” He was trembling, fingers turning white as they gripped the Earth. “I…. I want to die sometimes… I… I try to do it…. I’m… I’m too fucking scared…. I’m just some fucking wimp… can’t do anything right… Can’t even… do the world a favor and get rid of myself….”

Jay bit his lip. Ryan had thought about suicide? He’d wondered of course- after all he’d been through. But the older boy wasn’t quite sure how serious it was….

“I… I don’t want to be a burden…. I hate it…. I just… I just don’t want be alone….”

Jay looked down at Ryan, then dropped to his knees, pulling the other into his lap, holding the boy’s head to his chest. Ryan clung to him, his hysterical sobs starting once again. Jay rocked the boy, running his fingers through the child’s hair.

“Ryan…” Jay whispered, rocking slowly. “Ryan…. I love you… I love you so much…. I really do…”

The boy held onto him, tightly, the sobs slowly dying down. “Then… then why did-”

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry I pushed you away…. I did it because I care about you…” Jay closed his eyes, holding the teen close to him. “I…. I know it might be hard for you to understand… I know… you thought that was what you wanted… But that isn’t what you needed… Not yet…”

Ryan buried his face in Jay’s chest, tears soaking the older boy’s black shirt. “Jay…” he said, softly, weeping silently now.

“But Ryan… when you are ready… I’ll be there for you… I promise… I love you so much… I just didn’t want to hurt you….”

The boy shuddered, body collapsed in his foster brother’s arms. “I love you, Jay… I love you…” he said, as he continued to softly cry.

The older boy smiled and squeezed Ryan tightly. “I know you do….” he whispered. He kissed the top of the boy’s head, gently rocking, ignoring the light rain that had begun to fall. The moonlight drifted down, caressing their flesh still, chasing away the shadows that may have once threatened to engulf them.

I hope that chapter did to you what it did to me. I actually think it sort of stands out in the story so far…. Does that sound like I’m complimenting myself?? Gah! No! Ok well- anyway. Hope you guys liked it. ^^;; And don’t worry- there is more! There SHALL be explanations. ^^ I wouldn’t just leave it at that… plus… there’s still that smut I promised, ne? Hehe… I’d say 3 or 4 chapters to go…. Maybe 2... Depends… ^^ But thank you so much for reading and sticking with it thus far- if you have that is. ^_____^ And if you have questions- by all means ask them! I may leave something out in the next chapter- so that will help me. ^^;; Ok- thanks again! Much love!!!!

Someday now will be then....

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 00:23:31 GMT
Today…. Today I was walking to the bus stop, and I saw a man in a business suit and tie riding a motorcycle….

Very interesting…. Makes me want to write….

I’ve been fueled to write. My creativity is taking an interesting turn. I need to start this series. I am going to do it. My only fear is that no one will read it. I’ll put it on a website… I want to make a site that will be devoted to the series. Because I’m very inspired right now. I have the characters in my mind. I’ll even write out the history and plot the first half- unlike my usual improvisational method.

But I hope I get people to read it- as it is very dark… For one. The other thing is no one cares. You have to advertise something like hell to get anyone to read it.

But that’s ok. I like this. I… I think it may be good. One can only hope.

And I swear on all that is holy and evil- once I start- I will not leave my readers without an ending!!!!!!!! That is my vow!!!!! I believe that to be the worst sin of a creator- to start something and get people hooked- then never finish it or give it a half ass, rushed ending. Not ok with me. I swear I will never be one of those!!!

And it would be nice if I could get the series going and get a group of people that stuck with me, and kept it up for a few years, you know? That would make me very happy…

So wish me luck… Since the sort of story it is has subject matter that will never be publishable in my life time, I have to show it somewhere. What’s the point of writing and bearing your soul if there is no one there to witness. ^^ After all, whether you believe it or not, all arts are for the entertainment of others. There is no other reward like the approval of your audience.

Mmm… speaking of writing and endings… I promised to post chapter 5 today… so here it is. And it sucks. I’m sorry. Not because it’s bad writing. But because it is:

A) Extremely short
B) another cliff hanger

I apologize…. But come Friday, my fave chapter so far will be out. Chapter 6- the best written and most thought out of all of them, so far, I must say. ^^;;;

So without further ado….

Title: Fervent Amity and Ardor
Author: Criscocat…. Aka- me ^^;;;
Chapter: Chapter Five
Genre: Drama, biznatch
Rating: This chapter is practically G… some foreshadowing that is a little higher in rating… but this one is clean
Warnings: Nothing really… except more non-descriptive writing! Run!!!!!
Archive: If you need the first four chapters, click on one of the links: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three or Chapter Four

Summary: Ryan has lost something of value to him. Jay wants to help him gain the strength to get it back. As they work together, other feelings and secrets begin to come up…

Fervent Amity and Ardor
********

Chapter 5

A few minutes later, Jay was standing in front of the arcade. He stared up at it for a moment, taking in its worn brown paint, peeling with age… Its tinted windows, hiding the people inside… The once friendly place suddenly seemed ominous, much like the weather that had changed quickly in the past hour. Up above the clouds joined together, graying the sky and threatening to release rain on the parched ground.

Jay took a breath. This was only a first stop. Ryan liked this place a lot. It was smart to check. Of course, whether or not the teen was actually here was uncertain. But he had to start somewhere. And it was the only area in town that Jay had ever seen Ryan go to.

Squinting in the dim light, Jay took a step inside. The smell of sweat instantly choked him as he switched to breathing through his mouth. Little fluorescent lights flashed, in rhythm with the beeps and whirs of various gamed. The brunette looked around, slightly disoriented. No sight of Ryan.

Not sure of what to do, Jay randomly grabbed the first kid he saw and asked him if he’d seen a boy fitting Ryan’s description. Black, chin length hair. Skinny, about 5’4”. Sort of punkish. Possibly quite upset.

The boy looked around for a moment, then much to Jay’s relief, nodded.

“Yeah,” the boy said. “That dude was here. He was like, over there, totally beating the shit out of that Space Invaders game. He was like, totally wracking up the points. Then he just started, like, hitting the machine and stuff. The owner had to ask him to leave.”

“Where did he go?” Jay asked, frantically.

“Uh…..” The boy looked back and forth, a blank look on his face. “That way….. I think.”

Jay followed the pointed finger to the right and ran out the door. To the right if you kept going you would end up at the Baptist Church, then the graveyard. A little after that was a car lot, a hotel, a few bars. It got shadier the further down you went.

Jay’s heart was pounding.

It’d been nearly three hours since he’d last seen his foster brother.

The church was empty, save for a janitor. Jay looked around then turned to run out. Why would Ryan be at the church anyway?

Jay’s logic had been along the lines of grief driving him closer to “god” or religion in general. But apparently he was wrong.

“Young man,” the janitor called out. Jay stopped and turned around.

“You lookin’ for someone, Son?”

Jay nodded.

“A teenaged boy? Wearing a red shirt?”

Jay stepped forward. “Yes, that’s him! Was he here?”

“Well, he was pretty upset. I asked him if he was in some kind of trouble, but he told me he was all right. He’s so young to be out around here on his own though, I had a feeling someone would be coming to find him.”

“Where’d he go?”

“Well…a few men, maybe in their mid-thirties, came in and escorted him out. I wasn’t sure if they were his guardians or not. But he left willingly.”

“What?…..Men?….”

“Yes, they left about an hour ago.”

“Left…Oh god! Where? Do you know where?” Jay began to panic as worst case scenario flashed through his head.

“Well, I’m sorry, I really don’t….”

Jay didn’t stick around to hear the rest. He had a feeling he knew where they had gone.

Heart pounding against his ribs, lungs about to burst, Jay stopped in front of “Blue in Style”, a dance club. A gay dance club. With a shady reputation. In other words, a lot more went on than dancing.

It was fairly easy to get in, but once inside, Jay was instantly overwhelmed. How in the hell was he gonna find him?

Yes. There it is. In all it’s poorly written, rushed glory. But Like I said, the next chap is much better…. I think.. ^^;;; Well… it’s a hell of a lot longer!!!

It just want to thank everyone, once again, for sticking with it, if you have. You don’t know how much it means to me- especially with a fic as crappy as this one. ^^ *needs to shut up with her self criticism*

Oh my, and… the day??? Not so good- because… I may fail drama… and that’s bad…. But- having Mike as a friend is a very good thing. Boyfriend? No. Friend? Hell yes. I’m so glad my stupid little… “I’m not gonna answer your question so hopefully you’ll just get that I don’t want to be your girlfriend” thing didn’t ruin our normal friendship…. Weird how I have such a strong spine on most things… but on that- I always run….. Hmmm….. But I missed the Switchfoot concert. I really wanted to go too. Sorry Casey- if you’re reading this. Did I spell your name right??? Anyway- I should be going to another concert with Mike then. Which will rock if we can. Casey? You reading this? You’re invited to come along. Same goes to you Kami!! Ooh- and Angela!!! If any of you guys want to come- it’ll be shibby. ^^

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 07:40:09 GMT
NO.

Meh... it's raining... ^^;;;

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 19:42:10 GMT
I really wanted to go for a walk today. I thought it would be nice... But it's raining... Murr.... I should have taken the opportunity last weekend when it was all nice and sunny....

Today I'm supposed to go see Latter Days with Levi, Jeremy and Maddie! Yay! Remember when I told you it was banned??? Well it's back!!! I wanted to ask Kami if she wanted to come, but I just remembered... Hey Kami- if you see this and want to go- leave me a comment!

Ok well, so happy it's a weekend.... ANd in my happiness I decided to grace you all with Chapter 4. If you even care/read it. Either way- here it is. ^_____^

I guess this means I should probably finish chapter 5 now… Hmmmm…. ^_^;;; But yeah, this was a fun chapter to write. Not sure how people will like it. But just so you know- I set it up this way on purpose, just in case you thought I was just being lazy. ^^;;

Ok- here it is- Chapter 4. Time to jump on the emotional roller coaster. Hehe.

Title: Fervent Amity and Ardor
Author: Criscocat…. Aka- me ^^;;;
Chapter: Chapter Four
Genre: Drama!!!
Rating: I’m gonna say PG-13… Like I said before, this rating will change….
Warnings: Language, sexual content, lots of angst- as usual ^___^
Archive: If you need the first three chapters, click on one of the links: Chapter One, Chapter Two or Chapter Three

Summary: Ryan has lost something of value to him. Jay wants to help him gain the strength to get it back. As they work together, other feelings and secrets begin to come up…

Fervent Amity and Ardor
********

Chapter 4

The sweat poured down Jay’s face. Heavy breathing, panting, they were kicking, blocking. Jay swung his fist forward and Ryan blocked it. Jay’s knee came up and Ryan stepped back, moving out of the way.

Jay’s other leg kicked him in the side, catching the younger boy of guard. He stumbled forward against Jay. They both fell to the ground, still fighting. They were grappling, wrestling on the floor, rolling around trying to over power each other.

They were grunting, struggling. They were pushing and shoving. Then they were kissing, hot mouths pressed together, hands rubbing up each other’s thighs and backs. Jay wasn’t sure how it had happened, but he couldn’t think. Could only feel.

Jay shuddered pulling Ryan into him, kissing deeply, his tongue invading the younger boy’s mouth.

They stopped rolling. Now they were laying against one another, fingers caressing each other’s bodies, tongues together, their kisses wet and sweet.

Jay’s hand slid up the boy’s shirt and Ryan moaned as he gently pinched a nipple.

The older boy brought his mouth down to Ryan’s neck and traced his tongue over the teen’s Adam’s apple.

Suddenly, the older boy was struck with guilt. This was his 16 year old foster brother under him. He couldn’t fuck Ryan. It was like fucking a sibling. Not only that, Ryan was young and most likely a virgin.

Jay was corrupting him. And he loved him to much to go through with it.

“Why did you stop?” Ryan asked, breathy.

“Ryan, I can’t do this.”

“Wh-what?” Ryan sat up, confused.

“It’s wrong for me to….take you. You’re young and….and it….it shouldn’t be with your foster brother, your first time.”

“…Jay…” Ryan’s face flushed red. He looked away, more than a little embarrassed.

“Ryan, you have to understand-”

“Jay, I love you!” the boy cried, his eyes filling with tears.

Jay took a deep breath. He didn’t know what to say.

“….Rye…I…love you, too….that’s why….that’s why I can’t do this to you….”

Their eyes locked. Ryan was trembling.

Suddenly he leapt up and ran from the room, crying angry tears.

Jay watched him go. A new kind of pain gripped his chest. Maybe he should….no. It was wrong. He was a minor and by all means but blood, his brother. He couldn’t do it.

Ignoring the tenseness in his crotch, Jay stood and headed to the shower.

His hair damp, Jay lay silently in his bed, gazing up at the ceiling. His heart pounded against his ribcage, refusing to calm down.

Inside, Jay was screaming. He wanted to grab Ryan, hold him. Kiss him. Make love to him. He couldn’t deny it. Not anymore. He was in love with Ryan.

But his guilt held him back. He couldn’t take advantage of the teen’s delicate trust. He didn’t want to hurt him.

//But aren’t you hurting him by denying him?//

“Jay?”

He snapped back to attention.

“Yeah,” he called out.

“Have you seen Ryan,” his father called in from the hall.

“No,” Jay said. “Not for a while.”

It’d been about an hour since the embarrassing little episode in the basement. He figured Ryan had probably gone to his room and cried. Or broken something.

Jay wanted to go in and comfort him. Apologize. Explain why he’d done it. But he knew better.

A moment later his dad returned. “He’s not in the house. Did he say he was going out?”

“Not to me. He’s probably at the arcade or something.”

Then a thought struck him…. He remembered the other night. How he’d gone out, upset. How he’d come home really late....

Something about the way he’d looked… The way he’d acted…. It was…There was something wrong. Something definitely wrong…..

Jay sat up, his heart pounding. Quickly, he stood and dressed.

********

I may release the next chapter a little earlier, because it’s so short and I think it’s mean to leave people hanging… Anyway- hope you like this chapter. Only a few more to go before the story is done! ^__^;

And of course, this is Elysia’s test of- How clean and sweet can her stories really be??? Cause next time the question will be- How low can she go??? Hehehe….. So if you’re mad at me because of a lack of smut in this one… *coughVa-chancough* Then stick around for my next project…. ^^;;

And thanks to everyone who’s read this one and stuck with it!!! I love you!!!! *gives you all bishies*

Screw homework. I'll just stay in highschool forever.

Sat, 20 Mar 2004 18:08:20 GMT
Gah- it's such a nice day today. I really need to get out, cause chances are I'll try to spend the whole day RPing... I want to go for a walk, and I believe I will. I'll go down to B&N and buy some manga or something, so I have a destination... Fah- so pretty and warm outside.... *purrs*

Allright- I promised to post the next chapter- so.....
here we have chapter three. The story is moving along, and it takes a bit of a turn here. I like this chapter a lot. It’s interesting. Well… at least it was interesting to write. ^^
Hey- it isn’t bad. Reading it won’t kill you. May as well check it out. ^^;;;

Anyway- if you do read it, I greatly appreciate it, and feedback is happily welcomed.

Title: Fervent Amity and Ardor
Author: Criscocat…. Aka- me ^^;;;
Chapter: Chapter Three
Genre: Fine…. Drama….
Rating: PG for the last time… kiss this rating goodbye in the next chapter….
Warnings: Just some language- like before- but nothing major… Angst… need to watch out for that stuff…. It’ll stab your eye out….
Archive: If you need the first two chapters, click on one of the links: Chapter One or Chapter Two

Summary: Ryan has lost something of value to him. Jay wants to help him gain the strength to get it back. As they work together, other feelings and secrets begin to come up…

Fervent Amity and Ardor
********

Chapter 3

Jay kicked and Ryan blocked him. Coming down on his right leg, Jay pushed his hand forward, slipping past Ryan’s arm and bumping him in the chest. The smaller boy stepped back, panting for breath.

“You ok?” Jay asked, walking to the wall and back to slow down his pounding heart.

“Eh,” Ryan said, bending over to grab his knees as he caught his breath.

“You’re not on top of it today. Something on your mind?”

“Just…” Ryan went to the corner and sat down, breathing heavy. “What if, you know…what if they sold it?”

“Huh,” Jay sat by him confused.

“Those guys. What if they, like, sold the watch or something?”

Jay swallowed. What if they had?

“It’ll be ok, Rye. Don’t worry about it, all right.”

He placed his hand on the younger boy’s knee and squeezed it affectionately. Ryan looked up at him.

“Jay… How come you never…..you know…..Like….Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”

“Oh.” Jay pulled his hand away. The question came out of nowhere, catching him off guard.

“Cause I mean, you’re really hot, and like, you never hang out with any girls.”

“Uh, Ryan,” Jay wasn’t sure how Ryan would react to what he was about to tell him, but he felt like he shouldn’t keep things like that from the guy. He didn’t want to create a problem, but at the same time, he wanted to be truthful with the younger boy.

“Um…Ryan. I’m, uh….I’m gay.”

Ryan didn’t move. Just sat staring straight forward, his face blank.

“I didn’t want to-”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked, quietly.

“Well, it never came up. It’s no big deal you know. I just didn’t know if you’d be uncomfortable. So I-”

“How could you keep something like that a secret?” Ryan jumped up and left the room.

“Ryan!” Jay called after him. But he was gone.

Jay bit his lip. //Damn it…//

He’d worried this would happen. So now what? Now what did he do? He should probably just leave him alone, give him some time.

Then something sparked inside of him.

No. He wouldn’t leave him alone. The two were practically best friends. Ryan was just going to have to accept him.

He stood and headed to the younger boy’s room.

Ryan didn’t answer the first two times he knocked, but Jay tried hard to be patient. He stood in the hall, trying to decide what to say. A few minutes passed, finally he called out.

“Ryan, why are you doing this? I’m still the same guy! I thought our friendship meant more then that.”

There was a pause.

Then, “ Come in.”

It sounded reluctant, but Jay took the offer anyway. He walked through and saw the boy leaned up against his wall, his head laid back exposing his throat. The contours of his Adam’s apple and collar bone made the boy look vulnerable somehow.

“Can I, um….sit down?” Jay asked.

Ryan didn’t move. He sighed, then muttered a “yeah”.

“Ryan…” Jay began, taking a seat beside him. “Why are you so upset? There’s nothing wrong with being gay.”

“I didn’t say that,” Ryan snapped.

“Then why are you upset?”

“You didn’t tell me. Don’t you think I might want to know? You’re my best….friend…” He mumbled the last part, looking down.

“Well, I’m telling you now. I didn’t know how you’d react so I didn’t want to tell you before.”

Ryan shrugged. “Why do you have to make things so hard?”

“Wait…what are you talking about?”

“Nothing, forget it,” the teen muttered.

“Ryan, please don’t be a jerk. Don’t turn this into a bigger deal than it is.”

“Jay,” Ryan said softly and looked up at him, into his eyes. “I just….I wanted to…..”

“What…what’s wrong….”

“Do you like me?”

“What…you mean like…. Well, I like you as a friend and as a brother. A lot. If you’re worried I’m gonna hit on you, you can rest your mind at ease.”

“It’s not that…” Ryan said softly.

“Ryan, I care about you, man. Let’s stay best friends. All right?”

“Ok,” Ryan said. There was a long, drawn out silence, then the boy turned his body awkwardly, and in a rough sort of jerky motion, he leaned forward and hugged the older boy. It was a nervous, uncertain action. Jay was caught a little off guard, but after a moment of hesitation, he hugged back.

The next few days, Ryan acted a little strange. Jay tried to give him his space, all the while hoping it’d pass. The younger boy seemed a little distant, but there was something else. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on.

He just hoped Ryan didn’t know that he was starting to develop feelings for him. Try as he might he couldn’t repress his feelings. But despite it, he vowed to keep it platonic. He cared about Ryan way to much to screw up their relationship with sex. And besides, they were foster brothers. It’d be too weird.

“Could you hand me that,” Ryan asked, his hand traveling up Jay’s arm momentarily as he pointed to the newspaper with the other hand. Jay’s body shuddered.

“I wanted to see if there were any good movies playing,” Ryan continued, not noticing Jay’s reaction. “Want to go to one with me? If there’s anything good.”

“Sure…” Jay cleared his throat. “Just….Let’s go to something bloody. A horror movie maybe.”

Ryan’s odd behavior was making Jay feel nervous and act strange himself. He had to hide the fact that Ryan was turning him on even more lately. It was almost as if he was purposely teasing the older boy; bumping up against him, pressing their bodies together as he walked by in the kitchen.

It was definitely weird, and Jay wasn’t sure what was causing it.

Maybe Ryan was confused. It could be he wanted to talk about it more, but wasn’t sure how to bring it up. Jay considered asking if he wanted to talk about it, but didn’t want to bring it up and cause another scene.

The rest of the week passed by slowly. Jay distracted his mind by working over time with the training. He worked Ryan to exhaustion nearly every day, though certainly not in the way he wanted to. He often felt like a pervert, thinking that way about his young brother.

But he wasn’t REALLY his brother. And maybe….

No. Deep down, he began to realize he wanted Ryan. But it could never happen. He had to hold back. Despite how much it hurt.

So there we have it… and this is nice compared to my next project… I’m going for a bit more of a graphic…. Disturbing theme…. Heh… so uh… this is as tame as I get. Enjoy it while it lasts. ^^ Hehe….

BTW- this is crossposted in three comms and my journal.

I could never play the name game… too many syllables… *sniff*

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 07:56:39 GMT
This is floating around... I figured why not... I usually don't do them....

If you know me as "Elysia" you’re probably almost every person in the world that knows me

If you know me as "criscocat" you're from LiveJournal… and you haven’t yet realized…. there is no meaning behind that name……

If you know me as "criscokitty" you're evil incarnate… also known as Va-chan…^^

If you know me as "Elijah" you're either Kyle, Ashley, Matt, Mike and Jeanine… or you’re another stupid drama sub that doesn’t get that this is a GUY’S name!

If you know me as "Esmerellda" you’re probably from my old drama class in California…

If you know me as "Greenie or Armande" you're Jean Cole.

If you know me as "Delores" you’re a close friend… namely Heather or Tasha… or my mom and sister….

If you know me as "Dearheart" then you're either my dad- or a freak….

If you know me as “Jet” you’re Leslie…

If you know me as “The Utah Strangler” you’re that guy I killed on the subway last week…

If you know me as “Alisha, Alissa, Elyse, Eliza, Alicia or Elsya” then you’re another one of the stupid people out there that can’t remember how to pronounce my name…

Hehe… and just so all my Lj buddies know… this is how you say it. Yay!:

EE-LEE-SEE-AH

If you sound it out, it’s there. ^^

Lol… I’m weird…. Happy now…. I think I’m just tired…. Meh……

Posting this means no one will read my last post- but oh well- I couldn't wait! Huzzah!

Sat, 13 Mar 2004 22:35:20 GMT
I really need to get out today…. It’s so nice outside. I have a tendency to stay locked in my room on weekends….

Gah! Last night in the limo we had the radio on and the Dixie Chicks came on, and everyone started screaming to change it. But most of them like country- so I wasn’t sure why…. So I made the mistake of asking. And Jen goes, “Well, because at one of their concerts, they-”

And I said, “Let’s just stop this right there.”

I realized at that moment, I was the only one in the limo that was not:

A) Republican
B) Mormon

…………

O.O

So I became scared very fast…. Luckily I avoided the rest of it being brought up. Gah- it’s so weird for the first time since I started thinking for myself, being surrounded by Bush supporters and the like! What is up with that. I mean, I could have taken them all on… but that probably would have ruined the night….. Heh……

Anyway, Here is the second chapter of Fervent Amity and Ardor. No bad stuff yet…. Sorry Va-chan…. But keep reading…. Even though it appears no one really has…. Like 4 people total???? Come on people- I suck at summaries- but I’m actually kind of proud of this one. It has some cool character development! It wouldn’t hurt to read it…..

Title: Fervent Amity and Ardor
Warnings: Nothing really in this chapter… VERY light language… and maybe a tiny bit of sexual tension ^_^ Like I said before, ratings will change and get higher as the story prgresses
Rating: Still PG for now…
Chapter: two
Arcyive: If you need the first chapter, click here Chapter One

Chapter 2

Jay leaned into the fridge. His eyes darted from item to item in search of something appetizing.

His mind was focused on ham and cheddar when the side door burst open. Ryan nearly careened into the older boy in his hurry to get across.

“Excuse me!” he said, rushing by.

“Whoa, wait! No hello or anything?”

“Sorry, hi!” Then he was gone. Out the door.

//Hmm… suspicious…// Jay thought. He considered whether or not he should pry further into this odd behavior.

His stomach growled and Jay glanced back at the fridge. With a sigh he begrudgingly shut it. Ryan was more important than stuffing his face in front of the TV.

Moments later, Jay was standing in front of Ryan’s door, knocking softly. He was suddenly struck with Déjà vu. It’d been no more than two weeks ago he’d been doing the exact same thing.

His stomach twisted as he realized this probably had something to do with those boys.

Sure enough, upon entering, Jay found Ryan sitting on the edge of his bed, looking out the window, an expression on his face that said “I’m pissed”.

“Ryan….did those-”

The younger boy turned to face him and Jay saw for the first time his black eye and cracked lip.

“Were you in a fight?” he asked, stupidly. “…Sorry. You don’t have to answer that.”

“Those fuckers should all burn in hell! I hope they all fucking die!”

The harsh language and sudden outburst caught Jay completely off guard and he was taken aback for a moment.

When he was able to close his mouth again he asked Ryan if he’d care to explain what happened. Reluctantly, the younger boy told Jay about how he’d tried to get the watch back but ended up getting the crap kicked out of him. He flashed a look at the taller boy when he was done. Jay felt a flash of guilt, which was what the boy had intended.

“So they just started punching you?”

“I wish they’d just punched me! There were guys holding me down, kicking me…spitting on me….. Goddamn it! There was nothing I could do!”

“Well you were out numbered.”

“Yeah. Whatever. I couldn’t even take one of them. Look at me.”

Jay’s eyes automatically scanned the boy’s thin body. His long, skinny arms, his thin chest. Not much in the means of muscle.

Jay’s eyes lingered a little too long on the boy’s slender body, and he looked away embarrassed, though Ryan didn’t seem to notice.

“Maybe I could go to the school and talk to them,” Jay said, sitting down beside his foster brother.

“No! That’d just make things worse!”

“I was just trying to help. Sorry.” Jay felt embarrassed. He was turning into his parents. Of course his presence would only worsen the matter. What was he thinking?

Ryan sat back, a gentler look on his face. “It’s ok, Jay. I’m just kinda pissed right now. I’m so tired of being a little shrimp.”

Jay leaned back so that the two were laying side by side on the younger boy’s bed. He closed his eyes and tried to think.

Suddenly, a thought struck him.

“Rye, have you ever heard of Tae Kwon Do?”

“….Hmm?” the boy responded, sleepily. “Isn’t that like, karate or something?”

“Would you be interested in learning?”

“I dunno…who’d teach me?”

Jay sat up and leaned over the dark haired boy.

“Me,” he said with a grin.

“You? How can you….what?”

“I’m a brown belt. I took Tae Kwon Do for 13 years. I’m qualified enough to teach you at least what it’d take to defend yourself a little better.”

Ryan looked up into his face with a confused expression on his own. Slowly, the look changed to one of intrigue.

“OK, why not,” the boy said, yawning.

“Cool,” Jay said. “We’ll start tomorrow.”

He stretched and lay back down beside the smaller boy. Within a few minutes, the two had drifted off to sleep.

Ryan looked nervous. Maybe a little confused. His loose gray shirt hung limply to his thin form. His sweat pants were pulled up so that they ended right above the calf. He leaned over to adjust his sock, stretching a long, slender arm down.

Jay watched him. He was so small; skinny with little to no muscle, and nearly a foot shorter than himself. But there was something very appealing about it. The older boy felt his cheeks grow warmer. He turned away and instead looked at the side mirror. His own figure staring back.

They looked so different, standing side to side. Jay’s body was fit, strong. His skin was tan and glistened lightly with sweat from his earlier work out. He wore only a pair of black sweat pants, leaving his toned abs and pecs bare.

He liked to look at himself, though he would never admit it. He tried not to be arrogant. It was just that he had the kind of body Jay had always wanted in a boyfriend. When he was younger at least. The kind of guys he fantasized about. Now he was one of them. Although he hadn’t in all his 21 years, ever dated a guy who was even close to as fit.

“You might want to take your socks off,” Jay said, absently. “It’d be easier.”

“What are all these?” Ryan asked, referring to the posters Jay had put up on the basement walls. He’d laid some mats down and transformed the musky room into a kind of training area.

“Those are the tenants of Tae Kwon Do. You need to memorize them.”

“What? Why?” Ryan looked perplexed and a little irritated. “I’m here to learn to kick people’s butts, not how to recite the attendants of Tae Kwon Do.”

“Tenants,” Jay said. “And it’s a packaged deal. You need to know what the art means.”

Ryan frowned, but looked up and read off what the posters said. After a moment he looked back, his brow wrinkled.

“I can’t use this to beat those dudes up?”

“I told you,” Jay said laughing. “I’m teaching you how to defend yourself. Not how to reek havoc in your school.”

Ryan snorted a laugh. “Whatever.”

Jay scratched his chest and watched Ryan read. It would take a while to get the self-esteem part down. That was an important part of Tae Kwon do. But he believed Ryan could do it. It may take awhile, but Jay didn’t mind. The thought of spending lots of time with Ryan actually made him pretty happy.

“Now what,” the younger boy asked, bringing Jay back to reality.

“Let’s stretch,” he answered, leaning over, feeling the pull up his thigh. He looked up and watched Ryan do the same. The material around his butt and upper legs tightened, and Jay found himself staring. He blinked and looked away.

They warmed up for another few minutes, then they started on a few kicks. Jay watched Ryan in quiet amusement as he tried to copy the older boy.

//Was I like this when I started?// He wondered, silently laughing.

It was going to be a long road, but they would do it. Jay would not give up.

After an hour or so, the boys stopped and headed to the kitchen for a snack.

“So how was school today?” Jay asked, hoping for a positive response.

“It was ok,” Ryan said, shrugging. He took a bite out of his turkey sandwich.

Jay watched him chew. His eyes were faced away, looking at the wall. It was hard to read the younger boys expression.

“No one….”

“No one bugged me. I was ok.”

“Are you making any friends?”

Ryan shrugged. “There’s a guy in my science class that loves REM. He’s pretty cool.”

“That’s good,” Jay said, hoping he would find a little social circle soon. “What about girls?”

Ryan stopped. He swallowed the bite in his mouth that had obviously not been chewed because he started choking.

“Are you all right?” Jay asked, running over.

“Y- hack! Yes, hack….uf!”

The older boy patted his back lightly. “Sorry, didn’t mean to catch you off guard there.”

“You…you didn’t,” the younger said, clearing his throat, his face blushed red. “I was just, I…..I choked.”

“I know. That’s what you did. Choked.”

The two sat there for a minute. Jay looked at his foster brother. But of course, Ryan looked the other way.

“So is that a yes?”

“On what?”

“That you found a girl you like?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know.”

“Really. What’s she like?”

Ryan chewed thoroughly this time and swallowed.

“She’s… I don’t know. She’s kinda nice I guess. She asked me to go to the dance with her.”

“Are you gonna go?”

Another shrug.

“Why wouldn’t you?”

“I don’t know if I really liked her like that. I mean… she’s kinda hot but…”

“Understandable,” Jay said, though he didn’t really. Maybe he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Or maybe he wasn’t into girls. That was a possibility, but Jay didn’t think it was appropriate to ask.

Then again, he could just mean what he said. He didn’t really know the girl. Why should he like a stranger?

“Thanks for teaching me that martial arts stuff, Jay,” Ryan said, sounding like himself again for the first time in weeks.

“No prob, Rye.” Jay smiled and the boy forced eye contact momentarily.

The older boy felt a warmth crawl through his body. He liked to see him happy. If things went Jay’s way, he’d go to the school and beat the boys himself. But of course, Ryan needed to learn to fight his own fights.

Still, Jay felt like he needed to protect him. After all, Ryan was like his best friend. He loved him.

Jay thought back to what the younger boy had said. He bit his lip in thought, staring at the ceiling for a moment.

“Ryan…” Jay began.

“Yeah?”

“….Nothing. Forget it.” The two finished eating in silence.

“Ugh! That was a good one, Rye,” Jay said, holding his gut. “Need to work on your control though.”

Ryan grinned, his face red with exercise, hiding his blush.

“Sorry,” he breathed.

It’d been about a month, and the boys were getting better and better. Ryan was improving quickly, both physically and emotionally. Jay was thoroughly enjoying their daily sessions, and found himself looking forward to them.

Meanwhile, the strange behavior Ryan had adopted at the start of school quickly began to evaporate, until Jay could no longer see a trace of it. It was just Ryan. Caring, sweet Ryan.

One day after a long practice, Jay worked up the courage to risk bringing up school again.

“How are the kids treating you?” He asked, taking a long gulp of water from his bottle.

“Better,” he said, pulling of his shirt.

Jay tried not to watch, but found it hard to look away. Ryan’s body was still thin and small, but Jay could see the beginning of muscle tone around his stomach area. He’d been exercising a lot lately. It was showing.

Ryan looked up to see Jay staring. A faint smile crept onto his face.

The older boy fixed his eyes on a fly that had landed on the door. “Uh, good,” he said, pretending to yawn.

“Lisa invited me to go to the movies with them on Saturday.”

“Who’s Lisa?”

“That girl. The one who asked me to the dance. We’re friends.”

“That’s great. Are you gonna go?”

“Yeah. Me and Eddie. And I think Mark and Stacie.”

“Cool, have fun.”

“You can come if you want.”

Jay laughed. “Nah, thanks man. You don’t want to be seen hanging out with your big brother now, do you?”

“I don’t mind,” Ryan said.

The older boy looked back. The expression on the dark haired boy’s face was genuine, sweet.

Jay’s heart pounded.

“Well, time to hit the showers,” Jay said, with a nervous laugh. He walked off toward the bathroom. His stomach turned as he realized he wished Ryan had come along.

……Please read it….. Please….. Or I’ll cry…. This is my fave chapter I think….. ^^;;;

And the winner is…..

Fri, 12 Mar 2004 00:38:49 GMT
>.>

.........

<.<

.........

*sigh*

It looked like Evil Kamui was winning. He was so sure he’d won. But then..... Suddenly… Good Kamui whipped out a collar and chains..... and um..... needless to say......

............... Good Kamui won.........

Decisions....

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 18:46:25 GMT
Good vs. evil... I can't decide!!!!

Elysia: *Stands around biting her lip, nervously* What do I do???

Good Kamui in Angel form: *appears*

Elysia: Wh-who are you? Besides dead sexy?

Good Kamui: I’m your good side. The part of your conscience that makes you do what’s right.

Elysia: Oh… are you here to help me then?

Good Kamui: *smacks her* No. I’m here to play monopoly.

Elysia: *rubs head* Well excuse me for asking! *pause* So what should I do?

Good Kamui: I think it’s obvious. You go to the prom.

Evil Kamui in angel from: *appears*

Good Kamui: Oh great. I thought you were in Maui.

Evil Kamui: Oh man! It was the best! Just got back today…

Good Kamui: When do I get some freaking vacation time? I tell ya, being good is really a pain in the ass...

Elysia: *clears throat*

Good Kamui and Evil Kamui: *look over*

Good Kamui: Oh yeah.... Her.... *sigh* Guess we should help her.....

Evil Kamui: *shrug* It’s obvious. Don’t go to the prom.

Good Kamui: *glares* But she made a commitment!

Evil Kamui: No she didn’t. She has the right to cancel if she feels like it.

Good Kamui: But then Matt won’t have a date!

Evil Kamui: *Shrugs* He shouldn’t have broken up with his girlfriend then.

Good Kamui: She broke up with him, you half wit! Didn’t you get the memo!

Evil Kamui: Besides, dances are lame.

Good Kamui: *tear* But it’s prom! It’s supposed to be the best night of your life!

Evil Kamui: Even if you spent in in the bathroom getting gangbanged until 1:00 in the morning?

Good Kamui: *glares* I TOLD you not to talk about that!

Evil Kamui: Stay home, Elysia. Hang out with Kami. Take time to Roleplay… you’d much rather do that, right?

Good Kamui: Don’t ditch your friends! Look how excited Ashley was for you to go! Kyle even offered to pay your part of the limo!

Evil Kamui: Don’t do it, Elysia! It should be about what you want! Not what your stupid friends think!

Good Kamui: They aren’t stupid!

Evil Kamui: You’re stupid!

Good Kamui: Well you’re a jerk!

Evil Kamui: You’re a pushover!

Good Kamui: You’re an asshole!

Evil Kamui: Goody two shoes!

Good Kamui: Bastard!

Evil Kamui: Slut!

Good Kamui: .......

Evil Kamui: .......

Good Kamui and Evil Kamui: *grab each other and start making out*

Elysia: Um...... Hello......

Good Kamui and Evil Kamui: *muffled moans and whimpers, tearing of fabric*

Elysia: Um..... Guys...... About the prom??? ..... Guys? ..... Damn it! Now I’ll never be able to decide......

I've still got sand in my shoes, and I can't shake the thought of you

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 21:02:50 GMT
You know what????

EERIE QUEERIE ROCKS MY SOCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Gah- I love that book. *passes out*

In other news, I have like, carpal tunnel syndrome in my left hand, or something. It won’t stop hurting….

Anyway- I wrote a fic, and I’m nervous about it, as usual. This is the first time I’m releasing a fic in chapters… So if you like it, go ahead and tell me, please, so I can quickly update.

The dilemma??? I cannot seem to end this. I have two ways it could go. So I’ll post both endings. And then you guys can decide…

Anyway, with much nervousness but without further ado…..

Title: Fervent Amity and Ardor
Warnings: Light Language in this chapter… ratings will get higher as the story continues
Rating: PG for now…
And yes, it is guy on guy. If you can’t guess this by now- you don’t know me to well… In fact… I doubt we’ve ever spoken…..

Fervent Amity and Ardor

Chapter 1

The sound of shattering glass made Jay look up from his book. He held his head up, like a dog, perking its ears to catch the sound of approaching danger. There was a moment of drawn out silence. Then a loud crash, followed by angry footsteps.

//Hmmm…// Jay thought. It was coming from upstairs. Ryan must be home. He’d come in with out saying hello.

By the sound of things, his first day of school hadn’t been too great.

Jay set down his book, not sure if he should go up or leave the teen alone. He thought back to when HE was 16 and how he would have felt if HIS foster brother had tried to play the father figure when he was in a bad mood.

Jay sat back down. He picked up the book and tried to find his spot. He was just getting comfortable when he heard another crash. He looked up again.

//You know, when things start to get broken, it isn’t about what he wants anymore, really. Is it?// Jay took a deep breath and stood. He turned to the stairs and made a reluctant trip to Ryan’s room.

By the time he got to the door, things had quieted down and Jay thanked God it seemed he wouldn’t have to wrestle Ryan to the ground or anything. He knocked softly.

After a moment, he heard a monotone voice call out, “Come in.”

Jay opened the door and saw Ryan sitting on the bed. His legs were folded so that his jeans wrinkled up by his hips. His head was dropped down so that his black hair fell into his eyes, nearly hiding the dark scowl on his delicate face.

Ryan was always so sweet, it was strange to see him so upset.

Jay took a step foreword and noticed Ryan’s cheeks were wet. He’d been crying, but tried desperately now to hide that fact. He wiped a cheek with the back of his hand then wiped the now infected hand on his red T-shirt.

“Can I….Uh, mind if I sit down, Rye?”

“No- go ahead,” the boy said, quietly.

Jay sat down, running a hand through his brown hair, pushing it out of his face. He looked over at the younger boy without saying a word. What exactly could he say?

“So, what did you break?” he asked, instantly regretting it, but hoping a sort of joke would lighten the mood.

Ryan didn’t look up, but after a moment, he answered, his voice flat. “I chucked my Discman at the wall and it knocked my mom’s photo off the shelf.”

Jay looked over to see that he was correct. The frame lay on its face.

“So…” Jay cleared his throat. “So, what happened? To make you so mad?”

Ryan looked up, straight across the room. His eyes were fixed on something, but Jay couldn’t see what.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Jay said quickly. “I just thought, you know. If you wanted to talk.”

Jay and Ryan got along well. The younger boy had been staying with the family for about three months, since his grandfather passed away. Despite the hard times the past three years had brought the boy, Ryan was the kind of person that was impossible not to like. He was such a kind, funny, intelligent kid. Jay instantly adored him. His previous qualms about taking in a “troubled teen” vanished.

Jay was a senior in college, but had recently moved back in with his parents. He suddenly realized he didn’t know where he was going with his life and needed any security he could get. His parents took him back in gladly, but warned him he’d have a new foster brother and would have to give him his space.

Jay was initially irritated and felt like he was being replaced. But luckily, he and Ryan became friends quickly after their meeting, despite an age difference. Jay was 21, and Ryan was a Sophomore. But there was no denying Ryan’s brightness. He wasn’t a typical kid. Not at all.

The older boy glanced over to see if Ryan was ready to talk yet, or if he should just go. It was hard to tell, as his expression was now blank and his posture uncertain.

After another moment of awkward silence, Ryan finally spoke. Shakily, unsure.

“Some guys….some guys at school were, like, giving me a hard time.”

“How come?” Jay asked, wrinkling his brow.

Ryan shrugged.

“What’d they say?”

“…I dunno. Just stuff like, loser, geek…. queer.”

“Hey, don’t worry about that. That’s just a bunch of guys trying to act cool. None of it’s true.”

The younger boy didn’t answer. Instead he stood up and went to his dresser. He opened the top drawer and started digging through his underwear. After a moment, he came up with a small wad of cash.

It was his secret storage spot. Jay knew about it, so Ryan didn’t bother trying to hide it.

“What are you…What’re you doing, Rye?”

“…Nothing.”

“Are you gonna be ok?”

No answer. He was counting now.

“You shouldn’t get worked up about something as small as that.”

Ryan looked up. Their equally bright green eyes met.

“That’s not all.”

“What?” Jay was confused.

“They didn’t just…say stuff.”

He looked away, back to the money.

“What do you mean?” Jay asked, concerned now.

The younger boy shrugged.

Jay stood up and walked over to the teen. He cautiously put a hand on his shoulder. The boy didn’t pull away.

“They didn’t…do something serious to you. You know like something…personal…?”

Ryan looked up at him for a moment. His eyes scanned the older boy’s face as he began to understand what Jay was implying.

“…No! God, no! That’s not what I was talking about.”

Jay blushed.

“Oh…well, what are you talking about?”

“They…” He looked bitterly at the shelf where his mother’s picture should have been. “They….took my money and, well… they took my watch. Dad’s watch.”

Jay let out a breath, partly out of relief. He was worried something really serious had happened. But as his relief set in, he started to realize the core of the problem.

“Oh, Ryan. Why didn’t you report them?”

The younger boy looked up, a look of shock on his face. “Are you kidding?!” he practically shrieked. “I don’t want to get my ass kicked!”

So that was it. The boys had given him some hassle, and he felt like a loser because he was too chicken to save one of his most prized possessions. Now he was probably convinced he’d never get it back.

“Ryan,” Jay said calmly. “Those boys are just trying to be cool. They herd together like that because they’re scared. You need to go and get it back.”

“They’ll massacre me. You haven’t seen them. They’re these fucking bullies that go around and bother everyone. They’re like, 6’5”, all seven of them. And they’re like, each 34 since they’ve flunked so many times. I wouldn’t stand a chance. They don’t speak English. Everything they do is physical.”

“I could do it for you,” Jay offered.

“Ugh! No!” Ryan said, disgust in his voice. This time he pulled away. He returned a bulk of his money to its spot and stuck a ten in his pocket. Then he turned to his mirror, wiped any last traces of tears away from his face and went back to the door.

“Where are you going?” Jay asked.

“I’m going to the arcade. I just… need some time to myself. You know?”

“Oh, do you….” Jay was going to ask to come along. They loved to go to the arcade together. Jay had introduced it to the younger boy when he’d come to town. But it was obvious that was the last thing he should ask right now.
“Never mind,” Jay said, a little down now.

Ryan turned and left without so much as a goodbye. Jay frowned but tried to be understanding. He stood alone in the boy’s room for a moment. Then finally, he went back downstairs. There was a book waiting for him.

Ryan didn’t come home until 11:24. Jay’s mom, was already asleep. His father, sat up waiting for the teen. Jay stayed in the living room, anticipating the shouting and arguing that was about to follow. He wished there was some way he could get his dad to forget about it for tonight. It wasn’t like Ryan was a bad kid. He never did things like this.

But still, it was dangerous for him to be out so late. He didn’t ask or even really specify where he’d be. He said the arcade, but the arcade closed at 8:00. It made Jay worry like an over protective parent. Ryan never stayed out late, or left without asking. And he’d left in a mood Jay had never seen him in before. Who knew what he could be doing?

The door opened and Ryan came in, his face pale, circles under his eyes.

“Ryan,” Jay’s dad called from the kitchen. His tone sent chills up the older boy’s spine. The two boys looked at each other.

Ryan trudged off into the kitchen, and soon after, Jay heard his father yelling and going on about how worried they were and never do it again and do you realize we were going to call the police young man?

Ryan remained silent during the tirade, until the end, where he simply muttered, “I’m sorry, Mr. Parker.”

It was quiet for a moment. Then Jay could hear soft talking but couldn’t make out what was being said. Minutes later, Ryan came out and headed upstairs.

Jay sat in silence for a while. It was still undiscovered where he’d been all that time. But the incident never repeated himself, and Jay never asked about that night again.

Father, why hast thou forsaken me

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 10:36:16 GMT
WARNING: I snapped and began to rant. It involves religion- but it’s intelligent and backs up a point- though is admittedly a bit biased. Bad language and utter honesty… reader discretion is advised….

Christianity doesn't mean what it used to. It used to mean "One who believes in/loves Christ". Now it means "Whiny annoying judgmental asshole that thinks they're right and you're wrong, even though they're contradicting their own gospel". I love the Creator, and I love Jesus. But for the same reason one does not want to be labeled a communist, I don't want to be labeled a Christian, because in today's views- I am not. Like communism, Christianity was a good idea that just didn't work out. Why didn't it work out? People are fucking idiots. No way around it. I think the few of us on Earth that aren't blasting the hell out of everything, trying to take away other’s rights, and hating people that are different from them, should join together and live under ground in our lovely little open minded cult. And we will all worship manga….. yes….. and yaoi……

I just don’t believe in religion. I think it’s evil. Look at history- then prove me wrong. It causes pain, suffering, death, wars. It causes HATRED. FEAR. Religion is fucked up. I’m sorry if you are. I love you even if you are, and I hope you still love me. But you have to understand- when you’re still in it…. You don’t see it….

I was raised by a fundamentalist. I was a good Christian girl, in my religion that taught me to fear God, fear burning in hell for all eternity. Fear Satan taking my soul. The temptation… the sinning…. The evil….. The hatred….

Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live......

A slave shall respect his master and treat him as a god.....

A woman shall bow to her husband and he shall be a master to her......

FEAR GOD.

People fear…. That’s how it works…. My father…. I love him so much… but this is one thing I cannot see past and never will. It’s so hard. His religion. He thinks I’m going to hell. He PRAYS for me. Worries for me because I fight for what I fucking believe! And he hides. Like so many…. They hide behind the cross…. They keep themselves safely tucked, where they can still get drunk, and lie and cheat, and hate blacks, and bash gays, and do drugs, and fucking molest little 9 year old girls at a fucking church activity where she should be safe!!!

I hate it so much! I’m sorry if it hurts you when I say it! But I hate religion! Look it what it did to me! My family! EVERYONE! It’s all about fear…. And we just accept it…..

So like I said- I don’t believe in religion- but that doesn’t make me an ATHEIST. I AM NOT AN ATHEIST just because I despise religion! I have a faith and a philosophy, and a love for my Creator! But my love has nothing to do with hatred, or fire, or damnation, or FEAR.

Why can’t people understand it…. Is it that difficult to comprehend……

Just all of it…. Any people that mean well are swallowed up by the stupid idiots the world sees…

One of our new YEAH advisors gave me an article on Thursday about a girl that was “a heterosexual, and a Christian”. This girl was SO against the right for gays to marry, that when she gave her speech against it, she CRIED. The little bitch CRIED!!!!!! She fucking stood up there- begging to take away people’s fucking rights! And the little bitch cried as if it was her own rights being snatched away by greedy, selfish bastards!

When I read that, I cried myself. I’m crying right now just thinking about it. It’s just so overwhelming, how much hatred people have. It’s SO ridiculous. She had NO RIGHT to fucking CRY about ANYTHING!!!! She can’t get pity in this situation! SHE is the oppressor! SHE is the sinner! And for god’s sake- she’s fucking crying because there are people actually GETTING their rights back!!!

It makes me sick. It makes me fucking sick. To the point where I just want to rip out my hair and claw out my eyes, and rupture my ear drums so that I will be completely oblivious to the world around me- so I will no longer feel and see and hear all of this goddamn suffering from all sides caused by people’s foolishness. There aren’t words strong enough to describe what I feel right now. If I was president Bush- I would just make some up as I see fit.

But as you see, I’m not. Know how you can tell? I don’t have my head up my ass.

Which One Of Your LJ Friends Will You Marry?
LJ Username
Favorite color
Gender
You will marry...	vadalia
You will be married for...years	37
Your combined income will be...	$529,069.35
You will have...children	49

This Quiz by fuzzinabox - Taken 7559 Times. </a>

Your LJ RPG Team
LJ Username
Sex
Favorite Color
Weapon of Choice
Your Partner	onewingedhyu
Your Warrior	moonlitparadox
The Giggly, Flirtatious Magic User with Big Breasts	vadalia
The Talking Animal	fox_reed
Main Archenemy	asura_chan
Evil Incarnate	fauxfaia

This fun quiz by ass_ - Taken 6654 Times. </a>

Obsessed? Me?

>.>

........

The magical dancing and twirling pickle girl

Woohoo! Shotgun wedding!

*dances*

I miss you and you must return soon!!!!!!!

Quick Announcement

Dancing queen- feel the beat of the tamborine.... (is that how you spell it?? >.>)

I'm a comm creating fool

Spend all your time waitng for that second chance....

Hmmmm.... let me check.... Yep- still a loser. XD

Someday now will be then....

Meh... it's raining... ^^;;;

Screw homework. I'll just stay in highschool forever.

I could never play the name game… too many syllables… *sniff*

Posting this means no one will read my last post- but oh well- I couldn't wait! Huzzah!

And the winner is…..

Decisions....

I've still got sand in my shoes, and I can't shake the thought of you

Father, why hast thou forsaken me

dances

I could never play the name game… too many syllables… sniff